No really, I'm not. I'm only hearing a few words you're saying. Instead of really listening to your words, my mind is going a million miles an hour. It's always been this way. They even tried medicating me for it as a kid. While you're talking, I'm planning what I'm going to say next, whether it's an argument, an agreement, some sarcastic remark or an attempt to relate to you in some haphazard way. "Oh yeah, my uncle's second cousin went through that, twice. He ended up dying. Oh. You needed an uplifting story or some support? My bad." Just today my dad was telling me about his dentist appointment and I remembered that my dentist hadn't called me back so I needed to call them. I did. I tend to forget things so I feel a need to do all the things RIGHT NOW. My dad tried to tell the story at least three more times. I still don't know if I ever heard the end of it. I don't mean to do it. I really don't. I care for my friends and family so much it hurts sometimes. I WANT to hear what you have to say. I spend hours before falling asleep replaying all of my crappy interactions that day whether its interrupting someone for the millionth time or telling a story instead of just being present for the friend who needs an ear, not a comparison. I've become more aware of this as I've aged and because of that, I've become more awkward. I spend more time thinking about what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it that I do just listening. I find myself doing it to the kids as well. They will have a story about their day and I'm thinking about what's for dinner or if Derek really will get that rose.
I've wanted a 4th child for a while now. Since that's not happening, we adopted Stan. Stan prefers his alcohol straight from the bottle and he likes the freedom of wearing his button down shirts unbuttoned. He also doesn't pee on the carpet, which I can't say about a few other members of our family. He's looking forward to Christmas and Easter. He's not Jewish and I'm trying to be open minded about this.I love that you're you, in everything that you do.
You are fierce and wild. You're bold and strong willed. You are compassionate and loving. You are a righter of wrongs and will fight until the end for the smaller windshield wiper. I hope no one ever puts your fire out. You, my little one, are so bright. I love that you cut your hair into a little pixie cut because brushing it was just not worth your time. There are far better things to do. There are bugs that need new habitats, bunnies that need to be found and inventions to be invented. There is nothing you can't build with paper and duct tape. You never worried about what people would think. You loved it, that's all that mattered. I love that your clothing style is comfortable, convenient and a little bit quirky. I love that you could be surrounded by your friends, in the middle of a very important discussion, and will still run up and greet your brothers, sharing in the excitement of their days. I love that everything you do and every teacher you have is always your 'absolute favorite.' I love that you still hug and kiss me and that it has never crossed your mind that you might be 'too old' for that. I love that you sing at the top of your lungs and dance to any song in front of crowds of people you've never met. I love that everyone is your best friend, even if you met them a mere 30 seconds ago. I love your passion to do all the things, all the time. I won't lie. Sometimes you drive me insane. You like to come as close as possible while simultaneously jumping up and down and repeating something (a song, a question, a noise) over and over. I think you (not so secretly) like to see me crack because you will grin your mischievous grin and scurry away. You, my sweet girl, can throw a massive tantrum and you will do it in front of anyone, anywhere. I've asked if it bothers you that people are watching. You shout 'I don't care!' with such gusto and continue on as we head home. I always remember later how envious of you I am. There are days when I want to wet noodle into a puddle on the ground, shouting about how something is 'not fair!!!' This is your biggest complaint. I want to cry and yell and stomp my feet but most of all, I want to not care what everyone is thinking about me. You don't care what anyone thinks of you and I am SO envious. I tend to forget in the moment as I find myself staring at the ground and rushing to the car. I admire you, little one. I don't tell you nearly enough. With two little brothers, a grandparent that requires a lot of help and the craziest of dogs, I end up losing track of time. I should be telling you all the time, while things I say still matter to you. I know I don't have much time until I embarrass you by my mere presence or anything that comes out of my mouth elicits an instant eye roll. I know all too soon that the words of your friends might become all that is holy in your life. I want to make sure you hear how incredible you are and how admirable you are as much as you can while I am still the person you look up to. It's funny, kiddo. I may be taller than you but you are the one I look up to. I love you to the unicorn and back. Don't change. Don't lose your light. You do and you don't look back. Please always keep doing. Love Always, Mom |